Sound of the Night
by Junipertree
Summary: Gojyo knows there's something going on with Sanzo and Hakkai. What will he do about it? Eventual 58, 93. Rated M to be on the safe side[finished!]
1. A Sickeningly Familiar Pattern

I thought this one up after spending half the day in bed. Sleeping makes the brain juices flow, you know?

Disclaimer: I own Saiyuki. nose extends. I own Gojyo. nose extends further. I'm telling the truth! nose continues to extend.

Okay, okay, I don't really own any of it. Now I'm gonna need plastic surgery...

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Sound of the Night

Chapter 1: A Sickeningly Familiar Pattern

It was late at night. Gojyo normally wouldn't have hung around the inn at this time, but he'd lingered to take a much-needed shower and a nap before heading out.

He wasn't sure when he's put two and two together. Maybe it had been long ago and he'd just been in denial for the past month. Maybe he honestly hadn't noticed until now.

It was hard not to notice the sounds coming from the next room.

He was sitting with his back to the wall, head leaned back. Smoke trailed of the cigarette hanging from limp lips.

The noise in the next room got louder.

Gojyo wondered when he was going to leave.

"Sanzo..." A barely audible voice came from the next room. It was laced with tones that Gojyo had never been able to elicit from that familiar throat.

Gojyo left.

It was almost like an old running joke where the punchline had long since ceased to be funny. Gojyo left the inn and walked to the closest bar. There he ordered a drink and threw some cash into the current poker game while four or five beautiful women surrounded him, fairly pawing at him with their thinly-veiled lust. He took one of them upstairs. He fucked her. She fell asleep. He left.

The pattern was so sickeningly familiar that it made him want to get drunk, so he did.

The problem with getting drunk when you're depressed is that it rarely makes you feel better. It's never a good kind of drunk; it's a shitty, run-down, nauseous, fall-over-and-pass-out kind of drunk. But it was better than staying sober.

The barkeeper dragged him out by his shirt when the first rays of dawn thrust through the dusty-cornered windows. Usually Gojyo didn't get that drunk, but he was making an exception for today. And he didn't want to return to the inn until the scent of sex had been washed from Hakkai's clothes.

He was rooming with Goku, who didn't even pause in his snores as Gojyo banged open the door and fairly collapsed on his cot on the floor. Gojyo wasn't in the mood to sleep, but his aching and muzzy head was saying something else and he passed out before he could think too much more.

When under stress or shock, food is supposed to be tasteless. The tea thay Hakkai brewed the next morning for Gojyo's hangover was not tasteless. It was goddamned awful. But Gojyo still felt like shit, and that was only partially because of last night's boozing.

Hakkai smiled his empty smile as he handed Gojyo the cup. He said something typically condensending but it didn't register in Gojyo's ears. He avoided Hakkai's eyes. He drank the tea in a couple of swallows, and then he went back upstairs.

__

I wonder if he'll follow me, Gojyo thought absentmindedly. _No. He won't. The little fuck is guilty. The little fuck._

Gojyo tried not to be mad at Hakkai. He wasn't mad at Sanzo, funny enough; he was usually mad at Sanzo about something. But he couldn't be mad at Sanzo for wanting to fuck Hakkai. Who could?

__

I'm just fucking pissed the priest got there first.


	2. Tension in the Jeep

Disclaimer: Don't own Saiyuki.

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Sound of the Night

Chapter 2: Tension in the Jeep

The atmosphere in the Jeep was like that game where you stand in a tight circle, turn to the side, and everybody sits on each others' laps. If one person can't hold the stress, then the rest of the circle collapses.

If one of the four was pissed about something, the other three would know about it whether they liked it or not.

After a few half-hearted jabs at Goku, Gojyo sat limply in the back seat, hoping he was burning a hole in the back of Hakkai's oblivious head.

Gojyo didn't want to be pissed at Hakkai. He knew that would just drive another wedge into the ever-expanding rift between them. But Gojyo had never been good at thinking with his head.

__

The problem with chain-smoking, Gojyo thought, _is that when you are really stressed about something, you can't start smoking more._

Gojyo's smoke had burnt down to the filter, so he ground it against the side of the jeep and threw it over the side. He then reached into his pack of Hi-Lites and took out not one, but two smokes, lit them both, and stuck one out of either side of his mouth.

A strangled noise came from beside him and Gojyo turned to face Goku, who was barely constraining hysterical laughter.

The dam broke; Goku burst out laughing as Sanzo landed his annoyed gaze upon them as Hakkai took a quick glance behind him before turning back to the road ahead. He merely raised an eyebrow.

"Really, Gojyo."

"Hey." Gojyo huffed. "I wanted to treat myself."

The atmosphere in the jeep was lightened considerably after that.

Things went back to a certain level of normalicy for a week or so. Gojyo bickered with Goku in the backseat. Sanzo fired off a few shots. Hakkai laughed his private little laugh. Gojyo could almost forget the night he had sat with his back to the wall of Sanzo's room, listening to noises that gouged him as much as they aroused him.

Things were almost normal.

He just hadn't looked Hakkai in they eye for over a week, that was all.

He was frankly scared of what he would see. Sadness? Pity? Distraction? Disinterest?

Or nothing at all?

That's what he was afraid of most, the nothingness. Every time he'd looked at Hakkai before, he'd seen a sort of something, something that wasn't there when Hakkai looked at other people. Hakkai often turned that blank gaze on others, but never Gojyo.

God, never Gojyo.

He'd avoided even being in the same room as Hakkai unless all four of them were there together. But that ended when Goku said that he wasn't rooming with 'that perverted kappa' any more, and he was staying with Sanzo.

So Gojyo sat on his bed, smoking, his eyes trailing Hakkai as he bustled about the room, preparing for sleep. Finished changing into his pyjamas, Hakkai clambered into bed and turned off the light at his bed and said 'goodnight'.

Gojyo didn't lie down. He ground his cigarette into the ashtray _(Not the empty can fuck I remembered this time Hakkai) _and continued to stare at Hakkai's form under the blankets.

"So was Sanzo a good fuck?"

Shit.

He'd said it.

Hakkai said nothing. Gojyo wondered if perhaps he was asleep, and if Gojyo's moment of bravery (or idiocy) had amounted to nothing.

"I don't think that is any of your business." Hakkai's voice. Clear, crisp. Controlled.

"It's not?" Gojyo leaned to the bedside table once more and withdrew another stick, lighting it was a practiced flick and raising it to his lips in a casual and relaxed motion that had everything to do with habit and nothing to do with his nerves. "I think it's my business who my friends are fucking."

"Please... don't use that word."

"Well that's what you were doing, right? Fucking. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. The dirty deed. Riding the baloney poney. Screwing. So did you give him head, or did he do you from behind? Did you –"

"Gojyo, please." Hakkai's voice became muffled, buryed under his blankets.

Gojyo wasn't about to stop. He was too far gone. "So yeah, give me all the details, buddy-o-mine, so I can have something to jerk off to at night when I have to listen to the sound of you coming on his chest and breathing his name like a whore in a cheap porn flick. And when – "

"Gojyo!" Hakkai's bedside lamp flicked on. Hakkai was sitting straight up in bed, his eyes boring straight into Gojyo's skull. "Why don't you get your face out of my love life and slake that over-driven libido of yours on the first slut who stumbles into you in the bar, and then when you're done, take another one. I don't want you around when I'm... otherwise occupied."

Gojyo's anger exploded in that moment. "Your _love life? _You think that tight-assed motherfucker knows a thing about love? He wouldn't know how to express anything if you gave him a fucking manual and a tutor!"

Still calm, controlled. Ice. He was standing now, eyes glued upon Gojyo's. "Strange. I recall that you were the one telling me that you don't know what love is."

Gojyo froze, the heat drained out of him by that one phrase. "I suppose I don't."

The door slammed violently as Gojyo left. A sort of smothered keening sound was all that emerged from Hakkai's throat as he fell forward onto Gojyo's bed, breathing in the scent of sweat, tobacco, and Gojyo.


	3. Escape

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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Sound of the Night

Chapter 3: Escape

Gojyo walked into the bar with his usual confident swagger. He won poker again, and he only cheated a few times – without being caught, of course.

Gojyo never got caught. ...Almost never.

He could smell the desire of the women evaporating from their bodies. He took one, half-drunk, laughing, and they stumbled upstairs, blatantly groping each other, the hot scent of alcohol in their collective breath mingling.

They collapsed through the door. She was giggling, flat drunk. Gojyo took her hand and half-dragged, half-cajoled her to the bed, her laughing all the way.

What came next was a blur of beer-induced giddiness and lust. He didn't even remember undressing her. He kneaded her into the bed, cheap springs creaking in time with his thrusts as she returned his attentions by clasping her legs behind him, hands combing through his hair.

It was hot, sticky, fast, wet sex. The way Gojyo liked it. He'd fucked a million women on a million nights just like this one.

Only this one, he kept wondering if this was anything like what Sanzo had felt like with Hakkai pinned underneath him. If he closed his eyes, he could pretend that the fleshy mass beneath him was hard, rough-edged muscle, scarred but soft, that the oozing breasts he buried his face in were flat and toned. He could picture green eyes and soft brown hair and that stupid smile and those sensual lips and those careful hands and everything that this random slut was not.

He came, stretching out to some invisible, unreachable point. He could hear the girl moaning beneath him, mumbling something he didn't much care to hear.

Gojyo wanted to leave right then and there. Just pick up his clothes and get out. But he fell to the sheets beside her and twisted his fingers through the blanket instead, smothering his face into a pillow and wanting to bite something.

He lay there for a while.

Gojyo woke up without realizing that he'd fallen asleep. He'd dreamt something, but he'd lost it immediately.

He rolled over and his arm fell over a warm shape beside him. His hand met a curved side, a breast.

It was then that he started to shake. He couldn't stop it. He just wanted to get up and leave, to be somewhere else completely. He burrowed his face into the bed and put his hands behind his head, willing himself to stop.

Gojyo had never been one for self-control.

The bed creaked and he felt a hand on his back, rubbing in slow circles.

He was reminded of a time in his childhood, long ago, before his mother had completely lost it. He'd hurt himself doing something, somehow, and was crying over it. He could feel his mother rubbing his back, soothingly.

She'd been so kind, before. Always sad, but sweet. It was because she loved him that she hurt him. He knew that. He'd continued to love her even when she stopped knowing how to be kind. He'd continued loving her for every strike like she was stroking him.

He could feel himself crying. He wanted to stop. He wanted to stop all this shit right now, make it the way it had been before. Before he'd ever opened his stupid mouth and been such an insensensitive ass to Hakkai, like he always was.

No. Not the way it had been before. He wanted Hakkai here with him now, not this stupid girl. He'd woken from a dream thinking that Hakkai had been by his side.


	4. Hakkai's Thoughts

Disclaimer: Saiyuki ain't mine.

**Sound of the Night**

**Chapter 4: Hakkai's Thoughts**

Hakkai knelt with his face on Gojyo's bed, trying not to feel like shit.

It wasn't working.

He couldn't even say why he had said those things to Gojyo, specifically calculated to hurt. The words came in that moment of utter clarity, utter coldness, where he could say anything, do anything, and not care.

Unfortunately, those moments never lasted long.

Hakkai knew that Gojyo had never been able to keep his tongue between his teeth about things that were bothering him, and he wouldn't sugar-coat it either. Gojyo's words had had the acidic sting of truth.

Hakkai wished that life could be rewound like a videotape. He go back, before he'd ever said anything to Gojyo, before Sanzo had ever claimed his lips with his caged anger, before they'd ever gone on this insane trip, before the Minus Wave had ever began to cross eastward...

He couldn't go back any further. No matter how much he wanted to undo some parts of the past, he couldn't go back to before he'd met Gojyo.

It was funny, really. The very events that had ended his old life had given birth to his new one.

But it was futile to think like this. Everything was done. The past was set in stone. All he could do was atone, atone, atone.

Pain is something like an addiction. Once you've drowned in it once, no matter how many times you're saved, you keep jumping in again. You bump into someone else drowning in the same well and you both drag each other down, deeper, deeper. You're both searching for the bottom of the well, the bottom where it all ends as the last bubbles of air escape from your lungs and you die.

Hakkai never talked with Sanzo about the past. They never said anything. The were just together, but alone, dragging each other down. The sex hadn't changed that. It had just been one more atonement. Hakkai could imagine that Sanzo was punishing him in the darkness of the night. It was nothing more than a physical act, carnal, devoid of passion.

At least, that's the way it had started out. The problem with being a man who had only ever fucked one woman, the one he had loved more deeply than anyone else, is that sex became an expression of love rather than a physical act. Hakkai was sucked into Sanzo's pain, knowing that he wouldn't be able to do anything about it, but maybe, in a moment of purely physical sensations, Sanzo would forget it. Maybe.

Sanzo hurt, he hurt, and he drove the needles even deeper into his own flesh with ever passing day. Soon the needles would be driven completely into his heart, and then he would be gone. He'd be as cold and emotionless as he pretended to be. Hakkai couldn't stop the needles. He just hoped to slow them down.

They said nothing to each other. They conveyed nothing to each other. When they were together they were still alone, which is where both of them wanted to be. It was their silent agreement.

Hakkai had broken it only once, with Sanzo's name.


	5. Sanzo's Thoughts

Disclaimer: Not mine. As much as I'd like to put Gojyo in chains (little else), drag him into my bedroom and feed him strawberries and whipped cream by hand, it's really not gonna happen.

Thanks to iceblitz, altered carbon, and SanzoxGoku lover for their wonderful reviews:3 Reviews are the candy that keep me happy.

Saiyuki Plot Device #186: It Rains. Guess what happens this chapter.

And I'm not quite sure what level of technology is active in good ol' Tougenkyo. There's so many anachronisms (jeeps, laptops, credit cards) that I'm pretty sure you can make up whatever the hell you want, and that's what I think I'll do.

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Sounds of the Night

Chapter 5: Sanzo's Thoughts

Hakkai and Gojyo had been pointedly not looking at each other for over two weeks, and Sanzo was telling himself, as usual, that he didn't care. Their shit was their shit. They could take care of it. It didn't affect him at all.

However, sitting in a jeep with two people who wouldn't talk to each other if they were paid was all very well and good, but when a certain third individual was desperately trying to: a) find out what the hell was with them, b) trying to lighten up the atmosphere and c) not shutting up, it gets to a point where a certain gun-toting priest gets rather annoyed. Sanzo wanted to shoot something, but he wasn't quite sure who he wanted to shoot.

He had his sneaking suspicions on what the whole mess was about, but he told himself not to think about it, so he didn't. He just sat there and took it, suppressing urges to shoot them all and continue the whole stupid journey alone.

They camped out for a few nights between towns, which did nothing for Sanzo's mood. Thick clouds threatened rain and he was quite glad when they finally reached a medium-sized village where they could rest for the night before pressing on.

The clouds that had threatened rain burst open minutes before the four arrived at the town. They dashed into the inn to escape a downpour that went from nothing to dumping buckets with nothing in between.

Sanzo's mounting ire prompted him to get seperate rooms for them all; he couldn't take any bull this time. He stalked into his room, nearly slamming the door, dropped his bag on the floor, kicked off his boots, and began to wring out his sleeves. He soon realized the wringing was futile and he had no choice but to peel off his already-sopping robe and hang it over a space heater before seating himself at the lone table of the room and ruffling through his pack, pulling out a rather soggy newspaper.

After squinting at the running ink for a few moments Sanzo crumpled up the paper and threw it into the corner, telling himself that it wasn't current anyway.

Sanzo decided that he was going to mope by the window for a few hours before going to bed.

A visit from Hakkai was not on the menu.

Hakkai, as usual, didn't say why he'd come. Sanzo didn't much care. It might have had something to do with Gojyo or it might have been the rain, but Hakkai initiated it and Sanzo finished it.

It was always cold sex between them. Not physically – it's fucking impossible to have sex and stay cold – but it was blank, empty. Sanzo liked it that way. There were no expectations. No attachments. It was just a moment where everything could be forgotten, for an instant. A completely selfish, unpriestly moment of filth.

Sanzo craved that filth. He wanted to make himself dirty, unclean. He'd spent most of his life struggling against his fate as a priest and this was just one more way to say, "Fuck you" to all the priests, all the gods, and all the little fucks who sucked up to him because he was the glorious 'Genjyo Sanzo'. "Fuck you" to his master for leaving him a name and a title and a robe that he didn't want but couldn't throw away.

Hakkai would never say anything about it or talk to anyone about it. That's why Sanzo chose him. Hakkai demanded nothing and gave nothing.

As they lay, sweat-slicked, in Sanzo's bed, Sanzo wondered for a moment if this was still true.

But that didn't matter now. He loved his little moment of filth. In that one moment of filth he could forget everything. It was erased. There was no Genjyo Sanzo.

It was almost as sweet as suicide.


	6. Eternity Ends

Disclaimer: The usual. Saiyuki is not mine.

My chapters are always so ridiculously short. I am completely incapable of writing anything of length, so if I write lots and lots of little short chapters I fool myself into thinking that the fic is longer than it is.

Thanks to 'iceblitz' for giving me ideas for Goku's escapade. :P Sorry I wasn't able to use them all...

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Sound of the Night

Chapter 6: Eternity Ends

The delicate little triangle might have been preserved for months, maybe, if it had not been for Goku.

Goku, despite his reputation, was not a stupid monkey. He could see that something was up but he didn't have a flying clue what it was. He'd dropped off a few questions about what the hell was going on but he'd immediately gotten his head bitten off by three people simultaneously. He was right annoyed and showing it, but nobody else seemed to care.

After another rather stilted meal with Gojyo (Sanzo and Hakkai were eating their meals alone) Goku sat in an inn kitchen, munching on scraps, trying to figure out a plan.

Goku figured that if he got all three of them _really_ pissed off at him, then their shared rage would bring them together, somewhat. And Goku was very skilled at getting people pissed off at him.

He sifted through a few ideas that ranged from hiding all the cigarettes to throwing a beehive into the jeep, but none of them seemed to have the right ring. He needed to find something that would annoy Hakkai as well, and it was _damned_ near impossible to piss that guy off.

He stayed up quite a bit later than usual, thinking of all the possibilities.

He finally settled on the brash and blunt approach. He went outside and rummaged through a nearby garden shed to find a couple of buckets (he looked for a third but there wasn't one), and he filled them using a tap out by the garden. The carried them into the inn and up the stairs as quietly as he could and sloshing as little as possible.

He decided to get the worst over with and started with Sanzo's room. Without pausing to take a breath he burst into the room and yelled "FIRE!" at the top of his lungs.

Sanzo shot up with a gun in hand within seconds, just as Goku had expected. Goku was readying to give Sanzo the splashing of his life when he saw a second form stirring.

In the bed.

With Sanzo.

It was like something in slow motion. Fingers slowly lost their grip on buckets, the buckets falling to the floor with an echoing clatter, rolling in arcs towards the sides of the room, spilling trails of water that spread without hesitation across the room, puddling around Goku's feet and chilling his bare feet.

Goku whipped around and headed for the door, slipping as he went, soaking his knees before clambering once again to his feet and continuing towards the door.

He fairly tumbled down the stairs. Running as fast as he could and unsure of his destination, he found himself once more in the garden shed, tucked between a rake and a bucket of fish fertilizer. He wrapped his arms around his knees and stared at a spade hanging from a hook across from him.

His mind kept coming up with absurd explinations for what he had seen. There was some kind of mental block between him and what had happened five minutes ago. If he went back into the inn, he knew that he's see Sanzo, standing soaking wet in the inn, waiting for him with the fan. Hakkai and Gojyo would each come out from their rooms to see what the commotion was. It would be fine.

He didn't know how long he'd been sitting there when he heard Gojyo open the shed door and sit down beside him, sliding aside the bucket of fish fertilizer with a wrinkled nose. Gojyo just sat there for a while, saying nothing. Maybe he was trying to think of something to say.

"Y'know," Gojyo began, "Sex doesn't equal love."

Goku sniffed.

"Not by a long shot," Gojyo continued. "I mean, if it did, then I'd know, right? And most people don't even know if they're in love or not. It's easy to fuck someone, but a lot harder to love them. You know what I mean?"

Gojyo was answered with another sniff and a choked sob.

Gojyo really wasn't sure what he was supposed to do at a time like this. Jien had always just given him a whack on the back and said something along the lines of, "Buck up. Don't cry." Somehow Gojyo didn't think that was very appropriate for this situation.

So Gojyo just sat there with Goku, saying nothing. He hoped his company would do some sort of good.


	7. Change

That last chapter was just painful. I always hate doing bad things to Goku. It's like kicking a puppy.

Disclaimer: Saiyuki is the property of a lot of big, important people who are not me.

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Sound of the Night

Chapter 7: Change

"Get out."

Hakkai gave a smile that was completely devoid of humor and left.

Hearing the soft click of the door – _fucking never slams it even when he's pissed_ – Sanzo fell back onto his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He wanted a cigarette but he was all out, and he really didn't want to go out and get more.

It would be a long time before he got any sleep.

The next day in the jeep made the tension of the last few weeks look like a farce. The longest sentence said during the entire trip was, "Pass me my smokes."

Even Hakkai couldn't pretend that nothing was going on. His smiles were even more empty than usual and he made no attempt at conversation. Sanzo chain-smoked in silence while Gojyo seemed to have made a sort of apathetic truce with Goku and spent an extrordinary amount of time cleaning the bottom of his boots with a pocket-knife.

Goku, for his part, seemed to be inwardly absorbed in an entirely un-Goku like manner, concentrating on something unknown to the others with a minimum of twitching and shuffling. He didn't whine for food once during the entire day, which lit off silent alarms in the heads of the other three.

It was an unspoken agreement that they would all have separate rooms that night and leave each other well alone.

It was an agreement that Goku completely ignored.

Sanzo was readying for bed when Goku came in without knocking. "Sanzo?"

"Fuck off." Not something he normally would have said to Goku, but he was really not in the mood right now. What he _was_ in the mood for was a stiff drink, a cigarette and sleep, in that order.

When Goku didn't budge, he repeated himself. "I said, fuck off."

"Sanzo." Goku stepped forward. It was becoming a battle of wills, and it didn't look as if either would be backing down any time soon. "I'm not leaving."

"Yes, you are." Sanzo drew out his gun and pointed it at Goku. "Now."

Goku didn't budge. Sanzo cocked back the hammer.

Silence.

Sanzo cursed and flipped the hammer forward again before dropping the gun at his feet. "Fine. Do what you want." He got into his bed and lay facing towards the wall.

Goku relaxed a bit and sat on the floor near the bed. "Sanzo? Do you..." His fingers curled into the fuzz of the carpet. "Do you love Hakkai?"

Sanzo tensed. He didn't know what he had been expecting, but that hadn't been it. "No."

Of course Sanzo would say that. His first instinct was denial.

"Then don't sleep with him anymore." Goku's statement was simple and forthright.

"You don't have the right to say that to me."

Goku leaned forward. "It doesn't matter. Just don't do it. Promise me."

Sanzo wanted to ask why Goku demanded this of him, but some deep, smothered part of him was scared shitless that he already knew the reason. He didn't want to hear it. He wanted to keep it as far as possible from himself.

Sanzo's mouth was dry. He didn't know what to say. If he agreed, then he'd be surrendering part of his freedom, his self, to Goku. It would be one more chain wrapped around him, and he knew Goku would pull it tighter. When it came to Goku, everything was more difficult.

If he said no... he would be lying. The sitiuation with the four of them was royally fucked up now, and screwing Hakkai would only make it worse... that is, if Hakkai was still willing, which Sanzowould bet that he wasn't.

Normally Sanzo would insist to himself that he didn't care about all that bullshit, but there's only a certain amount of tension and hostility that you can take before you crack.

Goku waited for Sanzo's response. In any other situation he would have lost his patience. It unnerved Sanzo.

Finally Sanzo spoke. "I won't touch him. But my decision has nothing to do with you."

If Sanzo had been facing Goku, he would have seen a weak smile on the monkey's face. "That's okay. That's enough."

Sanzo could hear Goku getting to his feet and his feet padding towards the door, where the footsteps paused. "Thanks, Sanzo." The door closed.

Sanzo closed his eyes and tried to breathe deeply and not think about the implications of what had just happened.

It wasn't working.

Thanks to my reviewers!

iceblitz – I'm hoping to get some sympathy for Sanzo and Hakkai in there, too. They won't be _too _bad. I think.

altered carbon – We all want to do Hakkai. :P Your compliments are making me blush. :)

SanzoxGoku Lover – I update frequently because the chapters are short. -.-;

jarmets – Thanks for the encouragement!

ObsidianSpires – Nope, not the end, far from it. I hope this chapter satisfies a bit of the desire for dialogue.


	8. Forward and Repeat

Disclaimer: Saiyuki doesn't belong to me... yeah.

Yay, my review count has climbed! Thanks to backupsystem, Chocolate-Obsessed, altered carbon, and tigermink for reviewing chapter seven. Everyone else: If you like it, if you hate it, if you kinda just don't care either way, do review. Feedback is a lovely thing.

I'm listening to The Rolling Stones' Paint it Black and thinking it would be a good song for Hakkai. Hmm.

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Sound of the Night

Chapter 8: Forward and Repeat

Hakkai found driving to be relaxing. Driving out in the open with no one else in sight had a certain calming effect, putting him into a zone where he didn't have to think or do anything other than drive.

At this moment, he was in grave danger of thinking too much. His eyes kept flicking towards the other three in the vehicle. Sanzo, Goku, Gojyo and forward. Repeat. Around and around in jerky circles. Checking for any small, unconcious signs of discomfort, anxiety. Was Sanzo smoking a bit too much? Was Goku's restlessness normal, or did his eyes shift when one of the others tried to meet his eyes? Was Gojyo messing with his hair? He always finger-combed his hair to the front, covering the scars, when he was nervous.

Was everything normal?

Hakkai laughed a mental laugh at the very thought. Of course it wasn't normal. And he knew why the situation was so strained.

If only he hadn't, in such a futile gesture, saught to give comfort (_get comfort_) in Sanzo. It had been such an empty exercise from the very beginning, but he had hungered for it. Thirsted for it. Craved the moments when he was pressed against Sanzo and he could pretend for a moment that he wasn't cold.

It had all been such a farce.

A mistake from the beginning, that. Hakkai had decieved himself into thinking that he was helping Sanzo in some way. He' d been a fool. Sanzo didn't want help. Sanzo didn't need help. Sanzo had remained as closed to Hakkai as they day they met. That's the way he was. All their little angst-and-sex sessions had accomplished was hurting themselves and the other two. Hakkai had only been acting out of his own selfish, misplaced desires.

Hakkai's fingers gripped the steering wheel a little tighter. Again he saw Goku's stricken face, the water pooled on the floor.

Goku hadn't deserved that. Hakkai _knew_ what Goku felt for Sanzo. Who didn't? Goku broadcast it like a satellite. Hakkai might as well have pushed the monkey to the floor and kicked him in the stomach a few times.

And then there was Gojyo.

Hakkai began to feel physically ill. He couldn't fix things with Gojyo. He'd gone too far.

Hakkai had known for a while that Gojyo was physically attracted to him. Gojyo was physically attracted to _everybody_. Hakkai had kept himself at arm's length. He wasn't interested in being one of Gojyo's toys; he wanted to preserve their friendship.

Haha. Now there was nothing left to preserve. Maybe he should have taken the sex when it was offered, hm? Gojyo probably would have been better in bed than Sanzo, anyway.

Hakkai was sweating. Yeah, Gojyo. Gojyo would have put out more than Sanzo, too. The monk had such a tight ass.

Gojyo. It should have been Gojyo.

Hakkai's breathing became harsher. He was damned, that was for sure. He'd always known that one more mistake would take him to the end, where everything would crumble. And here it had happened: Everything had crumbled. He had nothing left, really. That was the honest truth.

He leaned forward on the steering wheel. What a naive fool he'd been. To think he could have fished a sort of contentment for himself, to have tried to climb out of the grave that he'd dug for himself so long ago. Smile. Laugh at it. That's all you can do now.

Sanzo yelled and grabbed the steering wheel shoving Hakkai back as the jeep swerved, narrowly avoiding a large stand of boulders.

"You _idiot!_" he yelled.

Hakkai was slumped against the side of the jeep, eyeing Sanzo from the corner of his dead eyes. He smiled. Opened the door. Got out. Shut it with a soft click. He walked around to the other side of the car, opened the passenger side door and gave Sanzo another eerie smile. "Why don't you drive?"

Sanzo returned Hakkai's glare for a moment before sliding to the right and turning the keys in the ignition. "Get in."

Hakkai continued to smile and got in, facing straight forward. The dark shadows under his eyes and the smile combined to form the kind of sinister facade that only Hakkai could wear.

His eyes flicked toward Sanzo, Goku, Gojyo, and forward. Repeat.


	9. Out Drinking

Thanks to backupsystem, tigermink, altered carbon and iceblitz for reviewing the last chapter!

About the last chapter... I know that Gojyo has driven before, but it's never mentioned if Sanzo can. I just figured that because Sanzo always sits in the front seat, he's be the one most likely to grab the wheel if Hakkai was zoning out, making him the object of Hakkai's ire (You don't like my driving! All right, ya punk, YOU drive!). That's the reasoning, anyway. Kudos to altered carbon for pointing that out.

Disclaimers, as usual. I'd cut off an arm to own Saiyuki... oooor... maybe not. ;;

Note: Listening to Kurt Cobain yell "rape me" repeatedly is not conductive to writing good drama. :P

Oh yeah... and I re-uploaded all the chapters in html format. FFN doesn't seem to be liking my .docs and was killing the formatting.

****

Sound of the Night

Chapter 9: Out Drinking

Gojyo decided to go out drinking.

But he wasn't going alone. Oh no. He was going to take Hakkai drinking with him if he had to drag the other man kicking and screaming.

He knew better than to think he could actually get Hakkai drunk, of course. However, he did intend to get thoroughly and completely drunk himself. The alcohol would loosen things up some and maybe, just maybe, things would start to work themselves out.

Beer: The cure for all ills. That's what Gojyo was hoping for, anyway.

Hakkai seemed to be suprised at Gojyo's invitation/order that they go out drinking, but this was Hakkai, so Gojyo wasn't all that sure. Hakkai, suprising the both of them, agreed half-heartedly to the little excursion and Gojyo dragged him out the door before Hakkai could change his mind.

There was only one small bar in this particular little town, just a few blocks down from the inn. It wasn't a bad little hole, all in all – clean, not too rowdy, and well-lit. Most importantly, they had a good selection of drinks. The two sat down on round stools at the counter. Gojyo cut to the chase and ordered a full pint for himself and a bottle of sake with a cup for Hakkai.

After the pair had marched a small army of empty glasses down the counter and whiled away a few hours with one-sided conversation, Gojyo was giggling to himself and trying desperately to restrain his urge to grab the waitress's ass.

Hakkai was, while definitely not drunk, beginning to sag into the counter. For Hakkai, there were two kinds of drunk: Cheerful drunk and depressed drunk. Hakkai's quickly-receeding smiles, dead silence and half-lidded, glazed eyes signalled to Gojyo that this was the darker end of Hakkai's 'depressed drunk'.

"'Kai," Gojyo hiccuped, "I've been ralbin' on all fuckin' night." He shook his head a bit, as if to clear it. "Rablin. Ranbin. Ramblin." He hiccuped again. "But you'ven't said a goddamn thing. Fuck."

Hakkai, who had his head pillowed in his arms, turned his face toward Gojyo.

"I mean," Gojyo continued, "Us'lly ya don't shaddup. 'Specially when yer drinkin'. I miss y'voice." He took another gulp of his drink as if to steel himself and turned to look at Hakkai.

Hakkai blinked slowly and turned his head in his arms to gaze at his latest bottle. "Gojyo," he spoke for the first time that night. "I'm sorry."

"Y'don't need ta do that." Gojyo leaned his head back. "You're talkin' now, right?" He smiled at the ceiling. "Just keep doin' it. Ya don't hafta go nuts about stuff that's over. I mean, if anyone's gonna apologise, it's gotta be me anyway. I've been an asshole. I shouldn't've judged you."

"Gojyo." The kappa turned to face his friend. Hakkai was smiling, for real this time. "I..."

"Whut?"

"...Never mind."

"S'okay." Gojyo finished off his glass in a gulp and slid off his stool. "I'm 'bout's drunk s'I can handle right now. You wanna go?"

Hakkai heaved himself off the table. "All right. And I've got enough to pay the tab, so don't worry about that."

Gojyo heaved a sigh of relief and laughed. "Haha. Yeah, wuddent wanna get run out'f town for that. Sanzo would 'ave my ass."

Gojyo realised from the look on Hakkai's face that that was not the best choice of words. He cursed inwardly and decided to cut all the bull and get to the point. "Forget about all that. It's not my business who you fuck."

Hakkai's face cleared a bit. "No... you were right. I'm beginning to think... that it wasn't a very good idea."

Gojyo took one look at Hakkai and burst out laughing. He doubled over, tears pouring out of his eyes, and kept laughing like he'd just seen Sanzo in a pink tutu. "Hakkai," he choked. "...I think that was the understatement of the century." He muffled his continued laughter into his sleeve.

Hakkai just smiled and paid the tab.


	10. Chains

I changed the genre when I realized that this fic isn't really angsty enough. It's now drama/romance.

The usual Disclaimer: Saiyuki is the property of Kazuya Minekura, whoever owns Zero-Sum, whatever studio did the anime and... probably a lot of corporate bigwigs that I don't know about.

Thanks to tigermink, misha, iceblitz, and Chocolate-Obsessed for more reviews!

****

Sound of the Night

Chapter 10: Chains

There had been a time, in the past, when every morning Sanzo would load up his gun, cock the hammer back at point it at his head. He'd sit there for a while, weighing how much he wanted to pull the trigger against how much work it would take to die.

If there was one reason that Sanzo was still alive today, it was because it was too much of a bother to pull the trigger.

Every once in a while Sanzo would load up the gun again and feel the weight of it in his palm. He wouldn't do anything with it; he'd just feel it. He'd feel it knowing he had the power to end it at any time. A wise man had once said that true strength was in knowing that he _could_ pull the trigger but obstained. Strength was not something to be flaunted; it was something to _have_ and to _know_.

...That's what Sanzo liked to tell himself, at any rate. In the deep and murky parts of his soul he knew that the reason he didn't pull the trigger was because he was chained to the material world, limbs shackled by three chains that wound around him in an increasingly tighter grip.

And the names of those chains were Hakkai, Gojyo and Goku.

Sanzo had grown weak while bound by these chains. He knew full well that by this point he wouldn't be able to stand up on his own without the chains pulling him to his feet. He was damned, damned to be bound for the rest of his life.

Muichimotsu, indeed.

There came times when the chains around him became weak and Sanzo sagged, but he knew that his chains would not break. If he could not break them then no one would.

At this time his chains were not at their strongest. Sanzo was sagging.

In short? Genjyo Sanzo felt like shit, and it was **completely** the fault of Hakkai, Gojyo, and Goku.

First of all, it was the mess with Hakkai that had started all this. Sanzo wasn't so callous as to throw all of the blame at Hakkai, but for the love of all the gods that Sanzo didn't believe in, Hakkai was supposed to be the collected and rational one. Hakkai was supposed to be straight-laced, controlled, and libido-less.

So Sanzo had initiated it. So he hadn't had the excuse of being drunk on anything other than pain.

So what.

And Gojyo...!

Perhaps Gojyo hadn't actually _done_ anything, but when did Sanzo ever need an excuse to be mad at Gojyo? Gojyo was merely compounding the situation by being even worse than his usual self.

And then there was Goku.

It was one thing to by physically attracted to someone. To Sanzo, physical attraction was something that was, for the most part, supressed, only to be released in brief, private moments of the mutual agreement that none of what had just happened meant anything.

He could admit to himself that he was physically attracted to Goku.

He could not admit, however, that he felt a compelling need to keep the monkey with him at all times. As close as possible.

As _close_ as _possible_.

At the present moment, jean-and-leather-clad and reading his newspaper at the table in his room, with Goku steadily approaching him, shirtless _(wet)_ and fresh out of the shower, Sanzo felt this need quite intensely indeed.

But no worries. Sanzo had a newspaper and a fan. Goku would be out of the door within moments and Sanzo could nurse his angst alone.

Goku crept towards him not out of fear, but creeping the way a woodsman stalks a very timid bird that it wants to net. It unnerved Sanzo.

Sanzo gave up the pretense of reading his newspaper and laid it across his lap. "What?"

Goku was now standing in front of him. The boy paused. "Sanzo."

...This situation was beginning to seem startlingly familiar. Sanzo's breathing became shallow. He watched Goku's lips part.

"I love you."

I have a few notes on this...

First of all, the line about having the power to kill but obstaining was pretty much lifted from Schindler's List... although that was about killing Jews, not yourself. :P

Secondly, I'm not sure how clear I was in the opening bit. It's meant to be ironic; Sanzo goes through the trouble of loading up the gun every morning and pointing at his head but he thinks pulling the trigger is too much work.

The idea that it's 'too much trouble' isn't talking about the physical action of pulling the trigger, it's talking about making a drastic change. Sanzo is a character who is very resistant to change, and though his life might frankly suck, he doesn't want to die because, frankly, he's afraid of death.

On a somewhat unrelated note, in Tarot, the card 'Death' doesn't literally mean death, but change. So there.

Sorry for the cliffhanger... (muahaha) I will say, however, that the next chapter will basically be on Goku.

And finally... if anyone guesses why Sanzo needed a _newspaper_ and a fan to take care of Goku, then cyber-cookies for you. Hehe.


	11. Only My Sun

Heh... spent about an hour squinting at Minekura's site 'Nitro' and trying to recognise some kanji and plugging everything into the Google translator... which is a VERY BAD IDEA. They translated 'Saiyuki' as 'Most playing description'... (which actually kind of makes sense when you consider the kanji, but STILL. Jeez.)

I have to wonder quite why Tokyopop licensed Bus Gamer, considering that it's pretty much frozen/discontinued (sadly enough). I'd also like to know if anyone knows _anything_ about Minekura's latest manga, 'Honeycomb'. I confess myself to be curious, having looked at some pics.

Disclaimer: Saiyuki isn't my property etc etc etc...

Everyone needs to listen to the theme/trailer song from Sin City. It's so fantastic. ...and the movie. So good. But anyway.

BRIEF LEMON HERE. Extra-long chapter in honor of the smut. XD

And FINALLY, cyber-cookies to tigermink and backupsystem for guessing the purpose of the newspaper.

****

Sound of the Night

Chapter 11: Only My Sun

Each of the Sanzo-ikkou had their own very important individual skills.

Hakkai was good at pretending nothing was out of the ordinary.

Sanzo was good at pretending he didn't care.

Gojyo was good at distracting everyone from the real issues at hand.

And Goku... well, Goku was the one who actually got things done.

Unfortunately, dealing with the other three was something akin to juggling torches that were lit on both ends. It was very easy to burn yourself, but had to keep the flames burning at all costs – because if they went out, that would mean that the show was over.

And this show was far, far from over.

Goku had known for a long time what Sanzo meant to him. Sanzo's position in his mind had migrated from savior to caretaker to friend, always remaining in the centre of Goku's world.

There had come a point when Goku had found himself wanting more, but one thing had stopped him from acting: Sanzo wasn't ready. Perhaps Sanzo would never be ready. Sanzo had given Goku more than he had asked for and Goku wasn't going to demand more from someone who was unwilling, _unable_ to give it.

Goku had been satisfied with the knowledge that Sanzo had belonged to him: His world, his sun, his Sanzo.

Unfortunately, Goku had been wrong.

Goku now realized that Sanzo's physical relationship with Hakkai had been almost completely meaningless, but then it had been devistating. And it had made him realize one thing: Sanzo belonged to nobody.

Goku planned to make Sanzo his, at whatever cost. He couldn't stand to be anything less than first in Sanzo's eyes.

Goku approached Sanzo from both angles, both sexual and emotional, wet from the shower and perfectly open. He knew Sanzo deeper than anybody else, even Hakkai. Goku knew what Sanzo felt by almost pure instinct, smelling his lust and fear and hurt and maybe something else wafting off his skin. He knew that Sanzo would not be able to reject him. Sanzo needed him.

The words fell off his tongue easily, as if they had been waiting there since he had emerged from his rocky prison to say them. He saw Sanzo tense, breathing quickly, eyes avoiding Goku's face. Sanzo's hands clenched on the sides of his chair, white-knucked. Sanzo was scared and would die rather than admit it. Sanzo was terrified and wouldn't admit it to himself even if he could have. Sanzo would not move.

Goku stepped forward once more untl his feet were placed on either side of Sanzo's chair and he leaned forward to meet Sanzo's lips with his own. After a pause, Sanzo responded harshly, almost biting in his intensity. Sanzo's newspaper slid off his lap to the side and he was painfully exposed. Goku's hand touched Sanzo's side and travelled down, slowly, to –

A powerful shove threw Goku to the floor. Sanzo was breathing heavily, the chair on its side and Sanzo was standing as far from Goku as the room permitted. His gaze was locked on Goku with something even Goku found difficult to read in the monk's eyes.

"Don't. Even. Start." Sanzo forced a chopped emphasis after each word.

"Too late." Goku sat on the floor, neck craned back to look at Sanzo's face. The boy looked like something between a kicked puppy and a man who would walk to the end of the world tomorrow and not look back. That look hammered iron nails into Sanzo's chest. He welcomed the feeling; it was better than the wanting.

Goku. No. He couldn't. Never.

Goku got slowly to his feet and began to stalk towards Sanzo. Both of them counted each step.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

Goku's hand rested on Sanzo's chest. Sanzo felt the edge of his bed on the back of his calves. Before Sanzo could resume rational thought he had been pushed backward onto the bed, Goku hovering over him, hands on either side.

"Get up." Sanzo growled. Goku said nothing. "I mean it. MOVE!"

Goku shook his head and lowered his face until it was inches from Sanzo's. "I'm not moving. I'm not leaving. I'm staying right here with you."

The unspoken word hovered between them. _Always._

"I want you to be with me. Me _alone!_" Goku's fist raised up and hit the blankets beside Sanzo's head with a pillowy _thunk_. "Before it was enough for me. But not now. I want – I _need_ you to promise yourself to me."

Sanzo would have chuckled nervously, had he been capable of mirth. "You want me to do that? You think you can own me?"

"I _will_ make you mine." With that hoarse whisper Goku's mouth descended the final inch and claimed Sanzo's lips once more. The kiss was sloppy, boyish, desperate. For Sanzo it held the intensity of a supernova.

Goku was hot and slick, pressing against Sanzo with a contagious fever that filled every part of Sanzo's body. They twined and tangled, clothing peeled off with a painful slowness. Sanzo felt himself sliding off the bed to the carpeted floor, the cold steel frame of the bed shocking his back and pressing his body further towards Goku.

The boy – no, he wasn't a boy, gods, not at all – pulled Sanzo completely to the floor beneath him and hammered the monk's flesh with his kisses, starting at the neck and travelling lower. Sanzo smothered a moan as he felt Goku enveloping him and he flailed with his arms to grasp the cool edge of the bed, his anchor to steady him against the rocking motions he felt his own body performing without his permission.

Before Sanzo could find release Goku had stopped and was sliding his hands between Sanzo's thighs. Sanzo's mind was saying, _no no no_ but his body was screaming _yes yes yes_ and the former was painfully overridden with a gasp and a wet thrust.

Sanzo bit his bottom lip until it bled so as not to make a single noise. He could feel Goku's arms locked around his neck and Goku's hands threading through his hair but that was all secondary to the building pressure and the tight motions where Goku's body was joined with his own.

Then everything vanished for a moment as he came. Goku was saying something incomprehensible and burying his face into Sanzo's heaving chest.

They lay there for an impossibly long moment, Sanzo feeling the heat around him and inside of him, wet with sweat and semen.

Then he asked himself just what had they done.

Yay for seme Goku.

Note to self: Watch out for typing 'wank' instead of 'walk'.


	12. Balance

Disclaimer: As Usual.

I'm quite encouraged by the reception I recieved on the more, ah, agressive side of Goku. Thanks to tigermink, iceblitz, altered carbon, and SanzoxGoku Lover for feeding my ego.

****

Sound of the Night

Chapter 12: Balance

For years, Gojyo had maintained that he didn't know what love was. In all honesty, he still felt that way. It was all a big myth, a conspiracy formed and supported by bleeding hearts, romance novels, and melodramatic teenagers who thought that because they had just gotten laid that they'd be together for the rest of their lives.

Gojyo had found the truth in it and had taken the only thing that was real time and time again. The happiness you seek will always be for yourself. You can never tell what someone else is thinking. You never know what's there, floating under the surface. So you just ignore it and promise youself that by morning you'll be gone anyway so it doesn't matter what happens after.

That happiness never lasts. It's all about the moment. You just have to keep chasing that moment until you die. That's the way life works, right? You live to die with a smile on your face.

So why now was he thinking that he wanted the moment to last just a little longer? He wanted the party to never reach the West. He wanted to stay in the jeep with Sanzo's bitching and Goku's whining and Hakkai's nagging until the flesh fell from his bones and he's die living in that moment.

Most of all, he wanted Hakkai to stay close.

For years, Gojyo and Hakkai had maintained a delicate balance. There were certain things that they didn't talk about and certain things they didn't do. They were friends, close friends. _Very_ close friends. Both of them wanted it to stay that way, having experienced the 'complications' that come with something else.

So yeah, he wanted Hakkai. And yeah, Hakkai was probably the most important person in his life.

But Gojyo would do anything to maintain the balance they held. He knew that eventually the moment would end but he would hold onto the end with his fingernails if that's what it took.

However, this whole episode had brought to the fore things that Gojyo would have loved to leave as vegetables in their hospital beds. Gojyo might as well have blurted out, "I don't want you sleeping with Sanzo because I wanna get into your pants." And now Gojyo seemed to be on the recieving end of those furtive, sidelong, I'm-trying-to-look-as-if-I'm-not-trying-to-look-at-you-and-failing glances.

Unfortunately, Hakkai had to be the most impossible person to read in all of Tougenkyou. Gojyo didn't know if those glances meant "Are you still mad at me and let's be friends" or "Sanzo was a mistake and I want to jump you right this minute".

After far too much agonizing about the subject, Gojyo had come to the conclusion that something had to be done. Their delicate little balance had been broken and there was no way to backpedal. The only thing to do was go forward.

About the only thing that Gojyo was good at was getting women in bed. When it came to keeping them for more than one night – well, he just didn't keep them for more than one night. Hakkai was neither a woman nor a one-nighter.

In short: Gojyo didn't know how the hell he should put the moves on Hakkai.

He could try the direct approach. Walk right up to the guy and say, "Hey, I'm in love with you. Wanna have sex every night for the rest of our lives?"

...Naaah.

Then there was the romantic approach. Light up some candles or something and get right up close to him and say, "Hakkai.. your eyes are like brilliant emerald orbs..."

...Nuh-uh.

The sexual approach _was_ tempting. Arrange to bump into him straight from the shower and then have the towel fall off...

Weeell... no.

Damn it. That pretty much left... waiting for the perfect moment to say the perfect thing. And those perfect moments, Gojyo knew, were pretty fucking rare.

Gojyo was still trying to think of an alternative when he was settling down for the night. For some reason that Gojyo could guess at but wouldn't dare say aloud (in front of Sanzo, anyway) the monk and the monkey had started to room together every time they stayed at an inn. Since Sanzo claimed that "If I can't get my own room then you idiots aren't getting singles either" (or perhaps the gods just had it in for Gojyo) Hakkai and Gojyo had been repeatedly rooming together. So every night Gojyo had to play it friendly, restrain the urge to peek in on Hakkai changing (and usu- er, sometimes _not_ restrain the urge), and to fall asleep watching Hakkai's sleeping face wondering what the hell he was thinking.

Not that it was unpleasant rooming with Hakkai. Now that things had eased up between the two of them it was almost like old times.

But now Gojyo had to fight off the urge to state some of his physical desire down at the local pub.

A decision that he was somewhat regretting at this point – but Gojyo somehow thought that it wasn't a very good idea to go fuck a a random woman each night when he was trying to catch a man. It was just bad etiquette.

__

Etiquette. Fuck. The things I do for you, Hakkai.

Tonight, though, the room was getting to hot for his taste. Without saying anything (Hakkai was probably asleep by this point anyhow), Gojyo got out of bed, pulled on his jacket and boots and went out for a walk.

The night air had a sharp bite that made Gojyo shiver in spite of himself. He tromped along the empty street, shoving his hands into his pockets and looking at the ground.

Before he realized where he was headed Gojyo could he laughter and carousing just across the way, bar lights shining brightly and late-night revellers singing some bawdy ale-house tune with half of the lyrics garbled. Gojyo looked up at the lights and was tempted.

A pair of giggling young women approached him, leaning on each other and obviously drunk. They were shapely and attractive, beckoning Gojyo to come join them. "C'mon, honey," one with short black locks purred. "You're the kinda fella who looks like he'd like a nice time."

Gojyo gave them a crooked smile. "Not tonight, ladies. I'm afraid I have to take care of an ailing buddy of mine... he's spewing at both ends and threatens to rip me a new one when he's better if I don't bring him a tonic."

The second girl pouted. "Aw, that's too bad. Come back later, y'hear? We'll make sure you have fun."

Gojyo watched them go with an appreciative (and somewhat guilty) eye and regretted once more his self-imposed celibacy. He wanted so badly to walk right up to those two girls, take them upstairs, and fuck them silly, but that just wasn't going to work. He wouldn't find any solace between smooth legs tonight.

Gojyo turned away and walked back to the inn.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

Gojyo was suprised to see Hakkai standing at the front door of the inn waiting his return. "Hey."

"Welcome back." Hakkai leaned against the doorframe and smiled.

"Just so you know, I didn't do anything tonight."

"I know."

"Hakkai – "

"Gojyo –"

They spoke at the same time and then paused.

Hakkai laughed a little. "It's alright, Gojyo. I didn't come out here to be your mother."

"Yeah? Then why did you come out here?"

"To look at the stars." With that, Hakkai sat down on the step with his back to Gojyo. Gojyo took that as his cue and sat himself down behind Hakkai so they were back-to-back.

"Oh, the stars? They haven't changed since the last time you looked, so why bother?" Gojyo leaned back. It was moments of closeness like this that Gojyo savored the most. He was glad they were able to do it still.

Hakkai breathed out softly. "Yes. They haven't become any less beautiful."

"But don't you get tired of seeing the same ones every night?"

"No... because every time I look I notice something that I hadn't seen before, some star that had been concealed until then."

Gojyo leaned his head back to rest on Hakkai's shoulder and closed his eyes. "I wouldn't know what to do with the stars."

"You don't _do_ anything with the stars. They're just there. Their presence is a comfort. Even during the day or on an overcast night, you know the stars are there and it makes you feel better."

"That's weird."

Hakkai laughed. "Oh, is it?"

"You don't even care if you see them or not. Wouldn't you like to see them absolutely clearly, every last one, scattered everywhere in the sky?"

"...Look up."

Gojyo opened his eyes and for the first time that night saw the brilliant swath of stars that streaked the sky, glowing with a light warmer than the day. "Well I'll be damned." He chuckled. "If only it were like that every night."

"It can be."

Hakkai's head leaned back as well and his cheek brushed against Gojyo's.

Gojyo hardly dared breathe. "Don't be an idiot. That kind of thing doesn't last forever."

"Maybe." Hakkai's warmth seeped through the back of Gojyo's jacket. "But we can hold it in our minds for as long as we remember it, right?"

Gojyo stood up and spun around to face Hakkai, who was still sitting with his back to Gojyo. "I don't want a memory. I want something real."

"Anything real can be taken away."

"It won't be."

"Gojyo..."

This was it. Gojyo's perfect moment. Fuck, someone up there in heaven liked him.

Gojyo knelt down behind Hakkai and draped his arms over Hakkai's neck, breathing in his ear. "I'll give you the stars, for real."

It was then that Hakkai laughed the most perfect, most authentic laugh that Gojyo had ever heard out of him. "Gojyo, that line was just awful."

Gojyo grinned into Hakkai's neck. "I'm offended. You're going to have to make it up to me now." Softly he placed his lips on the side of Hakkai's neck and nibbled his way up to the earlobe.

"Of course." Hakkai turned his head and met Gojyo's lips with his own.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

The line about Hakkai's eyes was a little tribute to the fabulous, the hilarious, the infamous Breakroom. I'd like to take a moment to toast the funniest Saiyuki fic from here to Tougenkyou.

Do review, please...


	13. Control

****

Sound of the Night

Chapter 13: Control

If there was one thing out there that Sanzo hated (well, he hated many things, but if he had to pick) it was not being in control.

At the moment, Sanzo was most decidedly _not_ in control of the situation.

Goku was absolutely impossible to throw off. He clung like, well, a monkey to a tree.

The first night, Sanzo had succeeded in throwing Goku out and sleeping alone. After that, however, Goku had somehow contrived to sleep in the same bed as Sanzo every night, and no amount of blanket-yanking and gun-waving would convince Goku to leave.

Sanzo wasn't quite clear on why he wanted the monkey out. If he could admit it to himself (which he wouldn't, of course) he'd confess that it was rather pleasant to have Goku curled up against his side every night. But that wasn't the point. Goku shouldn't have even been in his bed in the first place.

When had Goku stopped doing everything Sanzo asked?

Well, Goku would soon learn how stubborn monks could be.

Unfortunately, after about a week, Sanzo stopped trying to kick Goku out. He would just lie facing away from Goku, trying not to think about the man nuzzling the back of his neck.

"Stop it." Sanzo growled. Goku stopped, but inched himself closer to Sanzo as if to make up for it.

The litany running in Sanzo's head was getting stale by this point. This whole thing meant nothing, Goku was just being stubborn, he'd leave if Sanzo just ignored him, and most of all – the only thing that Sanzo felt was a slight annoyance.

However, even Sanzo had to admit that a 'slight annoyance' is not what he felt the mornings that he awoke with Goku sprawled over him, mumbling incoherent nonsense in his sleep.

This was really going too far, but Sanzo could do nothing about it.

Even worse were the moments when Goku got _talkative_.

Goku was one of those people who got a sudden burst of energy right before bed. He'd be bubbly and bouncing off the walls for about an hour and then he'd just suddenly keel over, snoring. It drove Sanzo nuts.

The worst part was the last thing that Goku said every night before falling asleep. It ate at Sanzo every time, chipping at him and stripping away the layers until he felt naked and raw. He wanted Goku to stop saying it, but he _needed_ Goku to say it again and again and again.

He could feel Goku's breath and the gentle form of his lips on the back of Sanzo's neck, tracing the words that Sanzo craved every night.

Sanzo didn't like this. He was being pulled by strings he couldn't control. He didn't want to want this. He didn't want to let Goku do this. He didn't want to get hurt again.

Sanzo was a realist. He couldn't delude himself into ignoring where this was leading. It was going to that place that he absolutely couldn't touch, the place that he had hidden away so that none could reach it.

Goku invaded him, trespassing beyond the boundaries that Sanzo had long ago laid.

And he couldn't stop this. He could no longer kick Goku out of his bed any more than he could drive a hand into his guts and twist his intestines around like spaghetti.

__

What are you so afraid of? He imagined Goku's voice.

__

I'm afraid of losing what I hold closest.

__

You won't.

Sanzo desperately wanted to believe that.


	14. Unnecessary

I'm _so_ sorry! I've taken so long to finish this thing. The reason? School is beating me over the head with a stick. Especially math. I'm having dreams about Mr. Pi and Mr. E sitting on a logarithm floating along a parabola inverted about the x-axis.

Okay, that's not true. But I did dream that Captain Picard became my English teacher.

So I went back and read the past couple of chapters to catch myself up on what the hell it was that I wrote, and noticed this:

"You don't _do_ anything with the stars. They're just there. Their presence is a comfort. Even during the day or on an overcast night, you know the stars are there and it makes you feel better."

...and realized that it was a blatant Utena ripoff. (Akio is talking to Utena about siblings, and says that a sibling is like the moon – you don't really notice it most of the time, but every once in a while you look up at it and it makes you feel better. So says the man who fucks his sister every night.)

I guess I'm not as creative as I thought I was. :P Oh, well. I don't really think that being a fanfic author is much of a sign of creativity anyway... dodges rotten fruit

Anyway, on with the show.

Disclaimer: Not mine. As usual.

****

Sound of the Night

Chapter 14: Unnecessary

"We're ending this."

It came like a shot out of the dark. One morning Sanzo got up, got dressed, and told Goku that this whole 'thing' was over.

"Wha?" Goku was barely awake. He didn't understand what was going on and why there was a cold spot in the bed where Sanzo should have been.

"This game is over." Sanzo sat down on a chair in the inn room and pulled on his boots. "Is that clear enough for you?"

"Game?" Goku was more awake than he wanted to be right now.

"I know you're a stupid monkey, but you're not _that_ stupid." Sanzo growled. "Get it through your skull. It. Is. Over."

"What? Why?" A hint of panic was in Goku's voice.

"Beacause it's over. This is unnecessary. I'm sick of this."

Goku was now on his knees on the bed, gazing up at Sanzo like a wounded animal. "Sanzo...! Have I done something?"

Sanzo unfurled his sutra and draped it over his shoulders. He was facing the door, away from Goku. "Nothing other than being yourself."

And he left.

ooooooooooooooo

Goku felt broken. A fault line had crept down from the top of his head and hit a place in the pit of his stomach. He was off-balance, shaken. The world was tilting and he was sliding off, holding onto the edges with his fingernails and then falling, falling.

He didn't understand. Why? WHY? What had he done? What had he said?

He wanted to cry but he was frozen, plugged up. He couldn't move from the bed, cooling at the same rate as his chest.

After an eternity of waiting for Sanzo to come back (Sanzo wouldn't. Sanzo was so stubborn. But Goku hoped, he hoped, he HOPED.) Goku sank into the blankets again and curled into himself, wishing he had a stuffed animal to squeeze. Wishing he had Sanzo to squeeze.

He'd thought that he could do this. He'd had nothing to lose. He'd gone after the things he wanted, just as he always had.

He hadn't known that it would _hurt_ like this.

__

Does this mean that I understand you a little bit more? Goku screamed into his own head. _Does this mean that now I know, too, what it's like to lose someone you love?_

ooooooo

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Sanzo was standing in the men's bathroom, thinking about his life.

With nothing less than a monumental force of will, Sanzo restrained himself from banging his own head into the wall repeatedly.

But Sanzo had made the decision to end it, so end it he would.

It was really a catch-22 situation. Staying with Goku would only be painful in the end, but now here he was feeling like he wanted to shoot himself. It was all so beautifully ironic.

__

Or maybe I'm just addicted to pain. Sanzo leaned his forehead against the mirror above the dripping sink. _I just don't know how to be happy anymore._

This is so juvenile. Just give me a window and some rain and this will be perfect. Angst, angst, angst, Kouryu, then smash your fist into the mirror and say something dramatic and deep about hating yourself. Fuck. FUCK.

He wanted to kill something. He wanted to go out and mutilate some youkai just for looking at him the wrong way. He wanted to kill the first person he saw just for bothering him when he was pissed off. His hands were soaked in blood by now, anyway. One more body didn't really hurt.

He was so tense that he had to clamp his hands down one on top of the other on the counter to stop them from shaking. He wanted to die. He wanted to live. He wanted to go. He wanted to stay. He loved his master. He hated his master.

And Goku.

Goku!

He clamped his eyes shut and bent his head down towards the counter, grinding his teeth and telling himself that the burning in his head was a headache and not suffocating tears.


	15. Selfish

One thing: I don't think that in his mind, Sanzo really thinks of himself as Sanzo. He's said before that Koumyou was the only Sanzo that he'd ever acknowledged. I seem to remember another scene (after Kami-sama stole the sutra) where he freaked out and told Hakkai not to call him Sanzo. So that's what I was thinking about last chapter.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

****

Sound of the Night

Chapter 15: Selfish

Jeep had a cold.

This annoyed the hell out of Sanzo, but since Hakkai wasn't about to let him grab Hakuryu by the neck and shake the little runt until he got out of bed, the monk settled for sitting down in his (single) room with a paper, three packs of cigarettes, and a pot of coffee.

Sanzo spent the entire day in his room, sitting, smoking, pacing, and occasionally looking out the window. He didn't really want to go out. He just wanted to be alone.

oooooooooooooo

Gojyo was pressing Hakkai against the wall of their room, drawing a path of bitemarks down Hakkai's neck. His teeth pressed into Hakkai's skin, riding the line between pleasure and pain, as his tongue stroked Hakkai's flesh.

"Really, Gojyo." Hakkai's light tone was offset by his shallow breathing. "I think that mark is as red as it's going to get. Why don't you let me have a turn?"

Gojyo's body rumbled in a silent chuckle that said, "No, I'm making you _mine_ right now."

Hakkai read that rumble and smiled. He swiftly kneed Gojyo in the stomach and threw Gojyo to the floor, straddling him and leaning his head down to touch nose-to-nose with the kappa. "I said I wanted a turn."

Gojyo heaved to regain his breath and choked out, "...That's... not fair."

"All's fair in love and war." Leaning down further, Hakkai trailed his tongue down Gojyo's neck, feather-light. Gojyo's breath hitched as Hakkai's hands slid up under Gojyo's shirt to stroke in just the right places.

"You don't want to be selfish, now, do you?" Hakkai murmured.

oooooooooooooo

Goku was lost. For the first time in his life, his path was unclear. He didn't know what to do.

__

Should I have not approached Sanzo? He asked himself. _Would it have been better to let him stay apart, like he wanted? Would that have been better for him?_

...NO. What was so wrong about wanting to be with him? Why couldn't I have that? I've given him everything! I want_ to give him everything. Why can't he give something to me? It doesn't have to be much._

It's selfish. I know that! But what's wrong with that? Why do I have to give and give and give until I don't have anything left? Why does he keep just taking from me? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't help being selfish.

ooooooooooooo

It wasn't two becoming one. There was a barrier. Skin slid against skin, inside of skin, surrounding skin, but still there was a barrier. They could imagine that they were joining in every concievable way, two souls becoming one, but that wouldn't make it real.

There was only the desire to bring it to the next level, closer and closer to the summit. That achingly selfish desire for pleasure is what drove their heat. Each man wanted something for himself. It was only coincidence that those selfish desires were the same.

Maybe it was an illusion formed by the mutual desire to be loved, to be needed. Maybe there really was no such thing as love, or love had really died a long time ago. That wasn't what was important. They both knew that.

Though they were two seperate things, separated by a barrier, they wanted the same thing. That was what was important.

And if that wasn't love, then it was damn well close enough.

oooooooooo

The world is full of selfish people. People _are_ selfish. That is the nature of life. Every thing wants to protect their own life and their own happiness. It was delusion to think otherwise.

It was because Sanzo knew this truth that he protected himself from the result of this truth. Temporarily, maybe, he could make himself believe in altruism. Goodness. Love. God. All that bullshit. He had once, however briefly, believed in that sort of thing.

But there always came that moment where reality strapped on its steel-toed boot and kicked you in the ass. Anyone who didn't move out of the way was a complete retard.

Sanzo was not the kind of person who liked being kicked in the ass. He'd stay away from that kind of bullshit. He always had.

Unfortunately, it seemed like he was getting kicked in the ass anyway. Wasn't life beautiful.

__

Let me be selfish.


	16. Just for Now

Well, here we are at the very end. I'd like to thank all my reviewers:

Iceblitz, Destiny Lot, bffimagine, darthelwig, Wist, yuki, tigermink, altered carbon, SanzoxGoku Lover, backupsystem, Chocolate-Obsessed, mishka, ObsidianSpires, and jarmets...

for putting up with my slackerness and actually reading this far...

...and I'll thank everyone who didn't review, too, for good measure. XD

Disclaimer: Saiyuki is the property of people who aren't me, etc etc.

**Sound of the Night**

**Chapter 16: Just for Now**

There wasn't even a _semblance_ of normality in the jeep that day. It was stone silent straight from the morning. Sanzo told himself that he liked it that way. Less headache.

The youkai attack at about midday was greeted with enthusiasm. Gojyo and Hakkai dispatched their share with more than a few nervous sidelong glances thrown at Sanzo, who sat in the passenger's seat of the jeep and picked off youkai without even looking. Goku, for his part, was less than energetic and killed two before sitting stubbornly down in the back of the seat and whacking any youkai who came within two metres of him.

After dispatching about half a dozen, Sanzo put up his gun and told Goku to get off his ass and kill some bloody youkai.

"Shut up."

Sanzo didn't even bother turning around. "What did you say?"

"I said SHUT UP." Goku swatted away a youkai.

"Just DO IT, monkey."

"Shut the fuck up! I don't wanna listen to you!" Goku stood up on the back seat. "It's always Sanzo, Sanzo, Sanzo. Just deal with your own shit for once!"

Sanzo sat completely still, facing away from Goku.

"It's your stupid sutra! You take care of it! Why do I have to take care of you!"

"Take care of me?" Slowly, Sanzo turned around. "I'm not the child that needs taking care of."

That set Goku off completely. "Oh, you're not? 'My name is Sanzo and I'm an angst-ridden monk. The world revolves around me. My master died when I was young and it's all my fault. Now I can never love again. Boo-hoo-hoo.'"

Gojyo, standing yards away, could see the veins popping out of Sanzo's forehead. Hakkai seemed to be worried but slightly amused. "Why don't you just LEAVE if you can't take being around me?"

"Just because you're an absolute asshole to anyone who tries to get close to you doesn't mean I don't care for you!"

Sanzo stood up. "I never ASKED you to care for me!"

"Yes you did!"

"No I didn't!"

"You've been calling for me since forever!"

Sanzo was breathing heavily. He said nothing. He looked around the jeep. Gojyo and Hakkai had long dispatched the rest of the youkai and he hadn't even noticed.

He turned around and sat down again. Goku's face wilted.

A pause.

"I'm glad you answered."

Goku looked at the back of Sanzo's head and hoped to hope.

"Stay with me."

Goku brightened like a child who'd been told Christmas was coming after all. He jumped over the seat and glomped Sanzo from behind, his legs dangling over the back of the seat, shoving the monk nearly to the floor of the jeep.

"Hey. Hey! Stop that. Get off." Sanzo peeled Goku off and shoved the monkey out of the jeep to land in the dust. Goku looked up imploringly.

"...You can do that later."

Goku grinned and bounded to his feet, jumping in the back to join Gojyo. Hakkai sat at the wheel, ready for Sanzo's word.

"What are you waiting for? Let's go." Sanzo grumbled and leaned back to get some rest.

Sanzo knew that it wouldn't last forever. He would eventually get hurt. That was how life worked – it's basically a bitch and then you die.

But just for now, Sanzo had to let himself be selfish.

_For my sake._

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Well, that's the end.

I had much angsting over how to end the damn thing. Somehow I just couldn't see Sanzo being happy. Or even resigned. I can't imagine Sanzo's life ever being anything but shitty. --;;

But I can't see it ending badly, either. Oh, well. I hope that was good enough. :P

Another one of the things that I have trouble with is fitting any kind of romantic plot into the whole Saiyuki mood/philosophy. Over and over again the words 'for my sake' show up, emphasizing the basic selfishness of people. Everyone has their own best interests at heart. Even when Sanzo jumps in to protect Goku from Rikudo he says that it was because he, personally, didn't want to be hurt.

I find myself being quite irritated when I read fics of Saiyuki characters (most often it's Goku) jumping in and being all 'I'll protect you' and 'hooray for unselfishly sacrificing myself for love' when Saiyuki has never been about that. The whole protecting someone else thing gives me Fushigi Yuugi flashbacks.

I was trying to show that Sanzo eventually decides to give in to Goku not because he realizes that his own rejection of Goku causes monkey-boy pain, but merely because it will hurt _Sanzo_ more if he doesn't do it. It's a selfish desire to want to be loved, and Sanzo suffers from it just as much as everybody does, no matter how much he wants to smother it.

Basically the entire story has been a result of characters doing what they want to do. Sometimes following your own desires ends in disaster (like Hakkai and Sanzo) and sometimes it ends rather well. That's part of making your own choices.

Anyway, I'm going to stop trying to be deep now. :P


End file.
